Well Folks, here I am again.....
Another Monday over and done with (thankfully). Goodness knows what is wrong with my colleagues....men...they make such mountains out of molehills!!!! Our Director of Interior Design got his knickers in a twist over a blockwork wall setting out drawing (because he didn't know what he was doing and thought he was actually going to have to do some intellectual work himself for once) and my second-in-command was making it out to be some massive, complicated exercise that would take weeks and weeks to resolve (in the way that men do do that - have you ever noticed? [sorry guys, but you do]).....so I took the task off them, as they were winding themselves up into high-pitched hysteria (never work with male designers - they can be SO precious!!!) and did it there and then.....it took all of TEN WHOLE MINUTES!! I mean - how hard can it be to tell a builder where to put a wall??? Forgive me for sounding arrogant here - I confess, I am not the most technically adept Architect on the planet - but I do know how to give a dimension from a column to the outside face of a wall so the builder can build it!!! That 15 years training before qualifying wasn't all for nothing, you know.....
So, yes....it's been one of those days....
I didn't get out on my bike in the end this weekend....but I did get out of the house, and that is the important thing I guess....
There is the most amazing sunset outside my study window tonight - really vivid pink - and all I can hear is the sound of the birds singing before they go to sleep. When I hear that sound, I wonder why everything else in the world is so awful....
I went to see my therapist again tonight....it was not a good session.....it wasn't a bad one either....it was just....well, I dunno....
I walked in the room and she gave me a big hug....we sat chatting for a while and I just talked about nothing - my best friend's boyfriend, what I had done over the weekend (omitting all the bad bits)....I was so annoyed with myself. I had promised myself that we would pick up where we left off on Friday, but I just kept talking about anything but....I told her this and she said, "Well stop it then!". Hmmm....She looked angry with me; I don't think she was really, but to me it felt like she might be. Then - for some bizarre reason - I started talking about my Mother's death and how I had remembered on Saturday morning that the day my Mother died, my father had told me that he had told the doctor to give her an overdose 'to end things quickly'. I don't know why I hadn't made the connection before: my Mom was perfectly alright 12 hours before (well, ok, she was terminally ill, but you know what I mean....) and then all of a sudden, she just went. Obviously, it was the o/d that had caused her rapid demise; the o/d that my father had approved. When I told my therapist this, I completely froze. She reached out to me and took my hand, but I felt nothing. I did that thing again whereby I suddenly realise my face is all wet and that I must have been crying, but I have no idea where the tears came from or how they got there. She asked me if I wanted a tissue, but I declined because I did not want her to get up to get one thereby leaving me on my own. Then I just wanted her to hug me and hold me safe. So I moved closer to her on the couch and she lifted her arm and I lay with my head on her chest. She held me tightly and buried her face in my hair again; this time, I didn't want sexual love from her, I wanted her to hold me like a guardian and to comfort me. I felt strangely detached from her though - I can't quite describe it. I felt all sleepy and exhausted and unable to speak, so I just lay there with her holding me; I could hear the sound of the birds through the open window and tried to focus on the calm environment I was in. I said I couldn't talk to her; she told me to just say whatever was on my mind; I couldn't. The only thing that would come out was, "Do you think I am going to die soon?" She said, "Do you want to?" and I said, "I dunno". That was all that would come out.
I wanted to talk to her about what we had begun to discuss at the end of Friday's session - about how the affair I had had 15 years ago with my female ex-school teacher had sexualised my feelings...the feelings I had of wanting to find a mother-figure. I had found a mother-figure in the ex-school teacher (or so I thought), but she had abused this trust and seduced me. I wanted to discuss with my therapist about my confusion with regards to my feelings for her - one minute I want her to hold me like a baby and comfort me, the next minute I want to...well...let's not go there. But it just wouldn't come out - it didn't feel right. I tried to tell her how fortunate I thought I was because I had a therapist who was loving and caring and knew how to show it physically whilst maintaining absolutely clear boundaries that made everything feel very safe and secure. What I was trying to say was that her actions/intentions are always clear and that I never sit there having to go through the agony of wondering how to interpret her behaviour (does she fancy me? is she trying to seduce me? etc). There is something very reassuring in the fact that no matter how many times or how much I swing from one feeling to the next, she always stays perfectly still, totally committed, yet very much physically and mentally there with me. Thank goodness she is so straightforward. I, however, am not *sigh*.
Anyway....it all came out wrong and I don't think she understood what I was saying (or maybe she did and I just thought she didn't) and then I just felt really awkward. Then it was the end of the session and time for me to go. Boy did I drag my heels!! I normally try to be really good about end-of-sessions, but I was dreadful tonight....I really didn't want to go. I told her how disappointed I was in that I hadn't talked about what I thought I had wanted to talk about (not that I go in with a pre-determined agenda, but....) and she said, "It will come out, when it's ready". I guess it will *sigh*.
I think I just felt stupid. I couldn't feel the sexual feelings, so I couldn't talk about them - like it wasn't real; I had imagined it; I had made it up even. But I know this is not true...it is there, but for some reason, all of a sudden, it wasn't tonight and I am wondering now whether it will ever come back....?
It is like that though - sometimes it is there, and then it goes away....for ages sometimes.....but it has always come back. In a way, I feel a bit lost without it. I wonder what is wrong with my life that I seem to need it there....
I feel angry with my therapist - I don't know why; I guess it is not her fault. She certainly does nothing to make me feel like this anyway.
I guess it is me then.
Anyway, it is late and I have a busy day tomorrow.....
I leave you folks with my very best wishes and a picture I took last night outside our house (shown at top of post); it makes our world seem such a small place I think. [For those of you into photography, it was taken in RAW format with a Canon EOS 40D + 70-300mm IS USM lens @ 300mm; ISO 800 1/40sec at f5.6].
Night night
Anne
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