Life's Hard Sometimes - Even on a Saturday

Evening All

Well here we are in my favourite day of the week - Saturday. I sat and listened to my fave radio show this morning: Rick Wakeman's Saturday morning show Rick's Place on Planet Rock Radio. If you've not heard it, you should give it a go, either on DAB radio or Sky here in the UK, or at www.planetrock.com if you're overseas.

I feel like rubbish and wish I didn't, as it's a Saturday. I thought of going out with my camera today, but it's cold and grey out there, so I have just sat and moped in my study. I did a little more on my current model kit - a small helicopter, but I couldn't really be bothered to do the last bits to finish it.

My session with Christine last night was a rather unproductive one until right close to the end. It was my fault - I just talked about rubbish to avoid talking about deeper stuff. She knew I was doing this and tried to swing the conversation back round to a letter I said I had written to her the night before (but had not yet given her). I had it with me in the session and she spotted it in my bag, so there was no getting away from it.

So for 35 minutes, we just talked rubbish, or rather I did, until eventually she persuaded me to read the letter to her. So I turned to lie with my head on her shoulder and my left arm behind her. I needed that closeness to know that everything would be 'ok'. I needed to be able to detect too whether there was any negative reaction in her. For some reason, I thought that if I lay close to her I would be able to feel this more readily; I am not sure that is really the case.

I started to read from the letter - the first paragraph was just describing a bicycle ride I had done the previous evening - I love talking to her about nature, as it makes me feel so close to her. When she is not there and I am missing her, I often go for walks or cycle and that makes me feel close to her again. I guess that's a bit daft, but for me it works.

After much waffle about rabbits, birds and hedgerows, we finally got to the bit in the letter that was really the issue. It was just one random line and it said:

I was thinking it's hard sometimes loving someone who does not love you.

Then the letter abruptly ended.

I went very quiet and immediately felt uncomfortable and rejected. Christine held me close to her and buried her face in my hair. She said that she didn't distinguish feelings in and out of sessions, that they were one and the same; she said she wouldn't sign her emails with love if she didn't mean it. She said that although her feelings were slightly different to mine, they were still there and they were still real. I think she was telling me she loved me (in a non-sexual way). She might as well have told me that the moon was made of green cheese for all that I believed her and was bothered about.

That is mad. My therapist (whom I love dearly) tells me she loves me and all I am bothered about is the fact that she doesn't want me sexually. How stupid is that? Not only that, but deep down I didn't believe her when she said she loved me; it cut no ice, as it were. She is an honest and truthful woman and has never, ever lied to me - even when the truth has been really difficult, she has never shied away from it and has handled it with the up most sincerity and care. So why do I not believe her? I feel so bad - I mean some patients would kill to have their therapists tell them that/feel like that and all I am bothered about is that she doesn't want to make love to me. What is wrong with me? I asked her. It was a tri-fold question; what it meant was not only What is wrong with me that I won't believe that you love me? but also What is wrong with me to make me feel like this about you? and also - perhaps most importantly - What is wrong with me that you don't love me/want me in the way that I want/love you?

Deep down, I think I know she loves me. As I write over the coming weeks, you will come to see that the way she is and the time she gives/what she does shows this quite clearly. I am sure I am not loved exclusively - I think she probably feels like that about quite a few of her clients, as she is a very caring/loving person - although I prefer not to think about her other clients and won't dwell on it as I think it is counter-productive to. I am also sensible enough (just about!) to know that a relationship with her would be a very bad idea indeed; in fact, I am not sure that that is what I really want anyway. I love my girlfriend - she is wonderful and goodness knows why she puts up with me - and I would never want anything to jeopardise that relationship. Added to this, Christine is 20 years older than me and, I am pretty sure, would not live up to the Christine in my fantasies. Added to this, there is a certain security/comfort in that fantasy remaining just that - as then it can never disappoint, if you know what I mean?

But hearing last night that she does not love me/want me in the same way is so final and makes me feel so utterly rejected. I cut my arm last night - not badly, just a few small, pathetic scratches. I did this because of the feelings of inadequacy inside me the What is wrong with me that she does not want me? feelings. I told her of this in my email to her last night (we email each other most days) and this morning, she replied saying:

I can feel the strong feelings surging under your skin -
perhaps the marking of your skin was an attempt to get to them but they are
numbed as another aspect of you observes yourself in a rather clinically
detached way; as your thinking collapses into a gooey mess.

I am not sure what I feel now. Part of me wants to run to her like a child and have her hold me close to her and to accept the motherly love that she offers; the other half just wants to hide in the corner, push her away and cry and hurt myself. This weekend, she has gone to her weekend place in Suffolk (she does about every other weekend). I hate it when she goes away at weekends. It's stupid because what difference does it really make? I don't see her over weekends anyway, so why should it feel any worse wherever she is? I think she feels so far away when she goes there. Added to this, she said that next weekend she would be away, but not in Suffolk; she said she had to go somewhere else. This made me feel very uneasy - like where is she going? Honestly, sometimes I feel like a stalker!!! I'm not, by the way - but it feels like I am completely obsessed at times. I guess I am in a way. That makes me feel dirty and stupid and weird - like some kind of pervert. But I'm not though - it's just that not knowing where she is freaks me out. I guess when she is at home over the weekend, it feels better because she is not far away and I can picture where she is (she sees her clients at home). I have been to the town in Suffolk where her weekend place is, but that does not seem to make it any easier.

I sent her a text earlier, saying I didn't feel too good, but she hasn't replied yet. I know she will when she gets a chance - this is progress, as some while ago her non-response would have freaked me out!! So I guess I am improving a bit then....*sigh* She is probably out walking or something - she often does that at weekends. I am wondering now where she is grrrr!!!!

Blimey - do I sound like a woman possessed or what??? For those of you reading this who have never been in therapy, it is very hard for you to understand how it makes you feel and how the patient/therapist relationship is I guess. Hands up all those though that have been in therapy, or are in therapy, who understand what I a saying/feeling!!!!

Intense though it may seem to the onlooker, it is all part of the goings-on and Christine handles it with great care and very adeptly. Thank goodness. I am very lucky in that respect - there are an awful lot of therapists who don't. I had a dreadful experience about 10 years ago seeing a Cognitive Therapist and a Psychiatrist on the NHS.

The NHS view dependence/transference very negatively and see it as a real problem and something which must be avoided at all costs. This is an absolutely ridiculous approach and solves nothing. As someone on the mentalhelp.net site so accurately put it, the fact is that if you have a person in your life who nurtures you, listens to you and shows you unconditional love, even the hardest person would have feelings of dependence and love towards them before too long!!! So for you readers who have not been through therapy, this is pretty much what it is like. And boy, is it hard sometimes, as you feel like a complete freak!!! The views of the NHS are purely driven by economy - dependence/transference means long-term treatment, if it is to be used effectively and the NHS do not have the money/resources for this. So what do they do? They invent a form of 'therapy' called Cognitive Analytic Therapy, which is supposed to be some sort of one-stop-shop-one-size-fits-all solution to the problem of not being able to provide long term therapy. The trouble is, whilst it can be effective in some ways, it can actually do a lot of damage too. Inevitably (and as in my case) the patient develops a transference towards their therapist (not in all cases, I admit, but I am sure it must be a least 50%) and then the therapy is abruptly terminated, without any exploration - or sometimes even acknowledgement - of the existence of those feelings and the result can be very damaging indeed. In my opinion/experience anyway (and this is just my opinion I might add and not proven in any way).

I am sure I will be telling you more about my experiences of mental health 'care' on the NHS over the coming weeks, so I won't dwell on it now.

Tonight, P and I are off out for a curry with P's ex-g/f and her current partner. I am sure that sounds very odd and incestuous to all you straight folks out there reading this, but lesbians are a very odd bunch!! As the very amusing book Roberts' Rules of Lesbian Break-Ups so accurately describes:

First there is thermonuclear war; then best friends

....meaning that lesbians nearly always end up best friends with their ex's.....I guess you have to when you are in such a small community!!! Pride festivals are otherwise a nightmare as you dodge all your ex's!!! I am on good terms with mine too (except one, who fortunately I haven't seen for a long time!!) and have no issues about P being on good terms with hers - in fact, I think I get on better with P's ex than she does!!! So a nice evening to look forward to, although I am not sure I am up for socialising, but I guess it will do me good.

I do wish Christine would reply to my text. I know she will sometime but....I guess I just wonder where she is....

The weather forecast tomorrow is good - lots of warmth and sunshine - so I think I will push myself to leave the sanctuary of 'my room' (my study) and get out with my camera and my bike. If I take any nice pics, I'll post them for you to see.

I must go and get ready before P's ex and her g/f arrive.

TTFN as they say and best wishes to you all xxx